Un Peu de Moi, encore

I have the right to have it, right? http://www.baguete.com.br/noticia.php?id=13385

 

My nick on msn has this sentence: "I wish I could pull the trigger."

And a friend replied:
Júlio Gerchman says:
you wish to pull the trigger? and exchange it to a stored procedure in pl/sql?

As I said, this was the most geek interpretation that someone could give to my nick.  

I’ve wrote something that was so full of hate that I preferred to keep it to myself. No one should deserve so much hate.

(music from Social Distortion)

Winners and losers, turn the pages of my life
We’re beggars and choosers, with all the struggles and the strife
I got no reason to turn my head and look the other way
We’re good and we’re evil, which one will I be today?

There’s saints and sinners
Life’s a gamble and you might lose
There’s cowards and heroes
Both have been known now to break the rules
There’s lovers and haters
The strong and the weak will all have their day
We’re devils and angels
Which one will I be today?

Chorus:
Are you happy now with all the choices you’ve made?
Are there times in life when you know you should’ve stayed?
Will you compromise and then realize the price is too much to pay?
Winners and losers, which one will you be today?

There’s a light and a dark side
Standing at the crossroads, there we’ll meet
There’s prophets and fools there
The lies and the truth, will be at our feet
I got a reason to turn my head and look the other way
Its heaven and hell here, which one will I live today?

Chorus:
Are you happy now with all the choices you’ve made?
Are there times in life when you know you should’ve stayed?
Did you compromise and then realize the price was too much to pay?
Winners and losers, which one will you be today?

Which one will you be today?
Which one will I be today?

My friend, who is living in Canada for about 4 months now, has told: "We’ve seen our first aurora borealis."

And then the little girlie who dreams to live there and see the northern lights, too, got jealous again.  

This woman has the most melancholic musics I’ve ever listened to. But they’re such a good company when you wake up on those blue (P.M.Sy. anyone?) days, when everything seems to be wrong and it’s raining outside and all you want is stay under the blankets eating chocolate, so no one can find you. But be sure to hydrate yourself, tears can come out in a huge quantity.

Apart from the whinning stuff, she’s a great grave voice, but still very feminine.

It’s a shame that I just found out her now.  

Yesterday I was watching One Tree Hill, an episode from the 3rd season called With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept, and different from the others, it was a really heavy episode. And then I started to think about what it takes a kid to have so much pain and anger inside him. How much of that stingy pain so called loneliness you feel when you shout and all you can hear back is the echo of your own voice? That all of this could be solved if people wouldn’t be so selfish and so self-centered?

Sometimes lonely people just bend in a corner of life and stay in the dark, other times, the sadness become anger and hatress. And sometimes they try to call the attention, and all they get back is the anger and intimidation from the others. And instead of seazing the pain inside the chest, you make more and more scars.

And this need of caring make people do so many stupid things, including caring so much for those that don’t give a shit about you. When they are in need, you’re the first one to run after and ask what happened and try to make anything to those ones don’t feel bad, because you know the pain it is to feel bad. And then you realize that you don’t belong to their lives, and you feel like the worst loser in the world. You took so much care to make those people feel good, you took so much care to not ruin the friendship, you gave more attention to them than you give to yourself. And what you get back? The echo of your own voice. And that pain crushes your heart again, and your chest becomes all cold and stiff. This crap called loneliness.

The car travels between my work and my home and the long showers I take are what I call times to think. And the fact that I’ve been very unhappy about my academic life made me think a lot about everything in my future, if I want to continue in the hard way or start walking in the easy one. But I carry one thought with me: that in this life, you have to pass through a lot of tests to become stronger, more mature. And this is anything but a test that I have to go through and become victorious.

I used to say that I’m a loser, but more and more I can define myself as a winner, in my point of view. I can say that most of things that I don’t do is because I have fear. When I work to lose this fear, and insist on that, I can deal with everything.

I’ve been in doubt about what to do next. Sometimes I just want to jump off the boat or throw everything to the air and start shouting "Nooooooooooooo" with the arms raised. Other times I want to resist what is opposing me and keep walking, even with that strong wind against my direction. I think it’s a hard test and I really need to be brave and keep in my direction. It’ll be good to me, better keep up.

The past weekend was very special to me. Friday night my friends threw a surprise birthday party to me at Cine Theatro Ypiranga. And I really wasn’t expecting anything! My boyfriend got me pretty well. I was really surprised when Pri and Lu came into Michel’s room and started shouting and blindfolded and tied me. It was a very special surprise. Sometimes I feel a little bit upset for not spending much time with them as I wanted, maybe because they’re too busy, maybe I’m too busy, I don’t know, but it was very good to see everybody there.

And about Michel, he’s the best guy I’ve ever met. Even when we have arguments and stuff, he knows how to deal with me.  And he knows how to make me feel special. He really knows. It’s the thingy about conquering the woman he loves everyday, with the most simples gestures… And respecting me above everything. He’s very very very special…